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The Weekly Fare . . . February 24, 2005 Being Boiled Alive Does Not Hurt The big news
last week as far as I can tell (outside of the fact that The Roanoke Times
has become interested in "investigative reporting") is that
lobsters do not - I repeat do not - feel pain when dropped in boiling water.
This, as certified by the This
conclusion was reached in spite of the fact that lobsters tend to thrash
about rather violently when dropped into boiling water and that, in general,
scalding water tends to hurt like hell. But who am I
to suggest that the Oslonians got it all wrong - after all, the THIRTY NINE PAGE
REPORT (was it double spaced I wonder?) sounds pretty, well, scientific like. "Lobsters
and crabs have some ability to learn but it is unlikely they feel pain." And you know
this because? "Because,
like their close relatives - clams, crabs and what not, they can't really
think . . . at least as far as we can tell . . ." Can't really
think? Have you ever gone crabbing and had one get loose on the dock? Grown
men scatter as though their underwear is on fire and whoever remains to take
on the "stupid crab" either winds up in the drink, or with their
adversary dangling painfully from one or more extremities. From witnessing
years of such encounters (and losing a few myself) I can tell you with
confidence, which is the superior species. And answer me
this Sven and Bjorn - How do crabs know to proceed to the closest possible
dock edge even though they: A.) Have never been on a dock before. B.) Can't
see the edge behind them and C.) Have only half a nanosecond to
"think" about it? Who's kidding
whom here? Perhaps these
Norwegians have ulterior motives . . . My friend
Buzz Brown and I purchased a couple of live In the name
of "sport", we eventually took off the little rubber bands that
covered their pinchers (lobsters being so stupid, they try to pinch things
that want to eat them). It seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time, but
as I recall they took out a couple of Mom's geraniums and proved to be
extremely difficult to coral once dinnertime arrived. Truthfully, if it
hadn't been for a pair of rather long handled salad tongs, I believe that
Buzz and I would have been summarily outwitted. (Not that this would have
been indicative of any particular intelligence on the lobster's part mind
you.) My then
girlfriend and soon to be wife was on hand for at least some of this display
of human superiority and had strongly advised that we not name them - nor
give them room to run around the patio and ultimately into our hearts. Being
the manly sort of men we were, however, we weren't particularly worried about
becoming attached to these two lowly crustaceans. But as I recall, more than
one tear was shed when my dear Ernesto finally hit the pot . . . He was such a
good boy. Tasted pretty
darn good too, though, as I recall. A "It's a
semantic thing," said Mike Loughlin, "no brain, no pain." How's that
for taking thirty-nine pages of uninspired, un-provable scientific chatter
and condensing it into eight small words. Kind of, dare I say, like a good
chowder - the very best parts, seasoned and presented in a minimalist, yet
delectably succinct fashion . . . (Though I suspect Mr. Loughlin's comment
didn't further endear us to the balance of Europe, which doesn't seem to
appreciate such concise and forthright language.) So there it
is. Being boiled alive does not hurt - provided you're stupid enough. It therefore
seems likely we could toss a few Norwegians scientists and at least two
Americans into the pot and have absolutely nothing to worry about. |
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