The Unseen Here and Now . . .
Stuart
Revercomb
Stuart
Revercomb is a marketing consultant and joyously married father of four
children. He seems to remember someone once telling him he ought to be
a writer. "The Unseen Here and Now" -- Thursdays.
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May 03, 2001
How Much For The Water?
The first time I ever heard about the concept of "bottled water" I was in third grade. Our teacher had just handed everyone a copy of one of those little "News Fun" magazines, and there buried in the middle of it was a story about how people in Japan buy water in bottles from vending machines. There was a picture of a young Japanese child reaching for a bottle of water with a big bright smile on her face.
We were greatly amused.
"Water ! Are you kidding me?!"
As freewheeling American 3rd graders, we could not imagine in our wildest dreams that someone could be foolish - nay, stupid enough to buy water. Water wasn't PAID for - water came from the sky for heaven's sake. We drank it. We watered our gardens with it. We washed our cars in it. We even swam in it. There were ponds and lakes and rivers and streams just teeming with the stuff. Who in the world would BUY water?
No wonder we whipped these guys in the Great World War. If the Japanese were still suffering an image problem in the minds of young American boys at that time, (and as I recall they were), this was doing nothing to improve their standing.
In the words of the immortal Bugs Bunny, "What a
bunch of maroons... what em-bessels..."
Our teacher, Mrs Patterson, was quick to point out that the need for bottled
water was necessitated by a woeful shortage of clean water for human consumption
and that if the circumstances were the same here in the U.S., we might
be doing the same. We were not convinced, however, and if my memory serves
me correctly some very confident statements were issued relative to what
it would take to get one of us to PAY for a bottle of water.
"The day I pay for a bottle of water, is the day I go to the looney bin."
"Man, I'd have to be dyin' in the desert."
"If someone tried to sell me water, I'd dump it on their head."
Unlike Homer Hickam and his friends from West Virginia, none of us were going to be launching any rockets to the moon any time soon. But Mrs Patterson got our drift. "I guess it might make more sense to you boys when you're older", she said.
"Riiiiiight", came the collective response.
The first time I realized the sheer genius of bottled water was while standing on the curb in what was then Prague Czechoslovakia. I had made the mistake of swallowing a little bit from the tap the night before and having spent the better part of the morning on a very foreign looking commode, I was ready to pay top dollar for one of the 8 ounce bottles in the little kiosk outside of the hotel.
"How much for the water?" I asked loudly, as though that would help the man behind the counter understand what I was attempting to say.
"Ew Vun de gaz or de no gaz" came the reply.
"Gas?" I asked.
"DE FIZZ - DE FIZZ!", he responded, sounding very perturbed.
"Defense??", I asked. I had no idea what he was talking about.
"DE BERBLES !!", he was yelling now and we were getting more than a little attention.
"Berbles?", I repeated him looking perplexed... Then it hit me. "AH ! Bubbles! - Yes!... I mean NO - NO BERBLES - NO FIZZ", now I was talikng with the accent - it was embarassing.
"27,000 Koruna", he said tersely. It was about a $1.25.
"Sold", I said, "Give me 5 of them". I remember wondering what my old schoolmates would have said if I had told them that I would one day spend 135,000 Koruna on 40 ounces of water.
My guess is that I would have been the last pick in "Warball".
But this was justifiable ; it was a heath issue - a matter of life and death as far as I was concerned. I was on foreign soil and my intestines were facing unknown microbes. Its not like I was in Roanoke or anything. Buying bottled water back in the States - now THAT was out of the question.
At least for a little while.
I'm not sure when I first purchased a bottle of water from a local convenience store, but it must have been about the time that Quibell and Aquafina and Evian arrived on the scene. It was probably a hot day and I had built up a thirst and I just didn't want anything sweet. I doubt I thought about the little Japanese schoolgirl as I plopped my money down on the counter.
Somewhere Mrs. Patterson must have been smiling.
But if such a purchase offended the memory of my old schoolmates, last weeks transaction likely did in their honor completely. I was standing in line with my two oldest children at the Roanoke Civic Center. We had come to the see the "Greatest Show On Earth", which is, of course, Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. And while I love the Circus, especially Ringling Brothers, it is also the "Greatest Ripoff On Earth".
Where else can you get a flashlight billed as an "Official Super Deluxe Lion Taming Light Sabre" for the low, low price of $16.00. I have never purchased any Circus gear for my children, but a relatively close inspection of the product reveals a manufacturing cost somewhere in the neighborhood of .54 cents.
Apparently the concessionaires at the Civic Center were not going to be outdone by their traveling counterparts. As we approached the front of the line, both George and Gussie asked for water to go along with the healthy stuff we were ordering - Popcorn, Pretzels and Cotton Candy. I had been working at a neighborhood yard sale all day and was contemplating a long cool drink of water as well.
"That will be $17.00", the clerk somehow said with a straight face.
"$17.00?", I replied, "How much is the water?"
"$3.00 a bottle", came the even reply. Deep down the guy was laughing and I knew it.
This time I did think of the little Japanese girl, "I bet she was getting a much better deal than this", I said out loud.
The attendant looked at me funny.
"Did you know that that's about 459,000 Koruna?", I asked.
"Excuse me?", he said.
"Nothing", I responded.
I laid a twenty on the counter and grimaced.
I suppose Mrs. Patterson was right - a lot of this stuff makes a whole lot more sense when you're older...
But then again some of it doesn't.